get on the train!

A friend made a comment that he was interested in doing a movie double feature with, first, this:



And secondly, this:



And that seems appropriate, no? First, The Human Centipede involves people actually being sewn together, anus to mouth, in a line that forces them to share a digestive tract so, beyond victim number one, the only way to feed is to—excuse me while I gag—ingest the incoming, uh, load. (sorry).

So that's all literal and shit—with literal, ya know, shit—but, venture into the metaphorical with me in considering Sex and the City 2 as a story not far off from that of The Human Centipeded: Carrie leads the linked pack of flighty females who pretty much construct their own nightmares with their ridiculous antics and uninformed, emotionally-driven decisions, all the while ingesting that which she excretes—mostly-horrid fashion, bad relationship examples, and oh-my-God-shut-the-fuck-up-with-all-those-puns puns—only to have it pass through their own systems of pollution to become even more gunked up with nonsense and poor judgment to finally reach at the end, oh I don't know, Samantha, where it's crapped out on the floor in a pile of dumb fucking shit. So who's the evil doctor in the SATC 2 scenario? Sadly, peeps, we are.

Seth

eat. me. want. now.

via BuzzFeed

sad

One of these days I'm going to write a book about all the pets we've had in the Plattner family. It totals somewhere at 15 cats and 11 dogs, all of them having contributed to lifetime moments of laughter, tears, frustration, and, above all else, unconditional love. But a book like that will take time and reflection in order to do them all justice. So, for this post, I just want to emote.

Last night, the second in a pair of my hometown Schnauzers, Pepper (bottom), The Wee Pep, passed away. Last summer, her brother, Jack (top), or Hungry Jack (yes, like the pancake mix, because, not a moment after he was born, the first thing he did was eat) fell into my pool, most likely as a result of a seizure, and drowned. I know that's very morbid and tragic and sad, but I'd like not to focus on their deaths (to start at least). I was, of course, devastated after Jack's accident, and I'm pretty bummed out now after losing Pepper. But, she was an old girl -- her 13th birthday was on the 22nd -- and she fell victim to pancreatitis and kidney failure, which Schnauzers are apparently the poster child for. But, beyond the sadness, I'm just kind of reflective.

Before Jack and Pepper, we had another Schnauzer, Benny, who I loved just as much as any dog I've ever had. He was the fifth brother to four others: me, my triplet brothers and older brother. The day the triplets were brought home from the hospital Benny began a vigil, posting up underneath our cribs every night, ears perking every time one of us cooed or rolled or cried. As we went from crib to highchair to blanket on the floor, Benny was always there, ya know, just checking things out, making sure it was all OK like an older brother does. 12 years later in 1997, old age just caught up with Benny out of nowhere, as it seems prone to do with Schnauzers, who stay sprightly and competent to the end. He died on a vet’s table with his head in my mother’s hand, and he was buried under the big oak tree in Mulberry, AR with the rest of the Plattner pets wrapped in his favorite sheepskin rug.

We grieved for Benny for a while, not sure when anyone would be ready to get another dog. But, time passed and it came to that point where we were ready, and so rather than one dog, mom thought two would be better so they'd grow up companions. We kidded ourselves for a while thinking we get another breed, but I think we all knew in the end we'd just get Schnauzers, because we're Schanuzer people. They are, at any given time, protective, incredibly affectionate, temperamental, almost apathetically relaxed, and, like Hungry Jack especially, ornery. With all of that, they just fit in with my family.

So they were born, Jack and Pepper, the biggest and smallest of their litter, and thus we had two new kids in the house. And they were like new babies, younger siblings to myself, because they were sort of terrors. We loved them, but they tore up everything. Relentlessly teethed on everything from kitchen chairs, table feet, plunger handles and even the walls themselves, which they'd managed to dig a 3 inch hole in. But, despite all of that, I don't remember the anger or irritation. And maybe it was just because of who I was then. We got Jack and Pepper when I was 12 years old, on the brink of adolescence, which, it goes without saying, is inherently tumultuous. Compound that with being gay and frustrated and confused, and, well, yeah...not ideal.

So these dogs grew and matured as I did, changed when I did, lived and experienced as I did. We're talking about different levels here, obviously, but as I sit here now, contemplating their passing, they'll be forever linked to that period in my life when every day was about learning something new about yourself or the world or people or your friends or your family. And sometimes that was hard and really fucking shitty. And you hated yourself and you hated your friends and you hated your family because no one understood you, or you didn't understand them, and all you wanted to was to be settled. Settled like your dogs, who just played outside and ate their food and drank their water and wagged their tails when you walked in the door. And you could just sit down with them, they'd get in your lap, lick your face, and you would get a good solid ten minutes of love. No questions asked. And sometimes it was exactly what you needed in that moment. Just love.

But sometimes, most times, things were great. I had friends. Good friends. Great friends. And we'd always hang out at my house. Play video games. Make stupid movies that we still laugh at today. Form a band and record the dumbest songs you've ever heard. Watch movies and eat tons of food. My older brother would have parties and I'd get to be there, kicking it with all these college people, thinking I was so cool, even though I know I wasn't. But I'd just sit there on the kitchen floor with Nancy, my older brother's then girlfriend and now wife, with Jack or Pepper in my lap and me lapping up the experience, just like the dogs were.

Then all of a sudden we were all seniors, about to go to college, to part ways physically but not emotionally. And I was saying bye to my family and my friends and, of course, the dogs, my mom always joking she was going to send Pepper to New York with me so I'd have a friend from the start. And then nothing was the same, there were no constants. Without those constants the variables changed and thus so did the equation of my life, as least when I was in New York. That was until I would come home and there they'd be -- my friends, my family, Jack and Pepper. The constants were back, if only briefly, and all it took was Jack wrapping his front legs around my neck to give me a hug, or Pepper curling up in my lap begging me to rub her tummy and I was back, relieved, momentarily engulfed in the bubble of home that hadn't, thankfully, changed.

Now, at 26, I'm getting older, farther away from all of that, which is lamentable, but it's also life. Those constants that you rely on vanish, mostly for good, and you can do nothing but adapt. So the next time I go home, Jack will be gone, Pepper will be gone, and I'll have to struggle with the fact that the world that made me keeps losing its pieces and I'm not there to watch them go, to grieve the process, and then reconcile. I'm only left with memories. Really good memories. But that's a consequence of my choices, and, so, perhaps then I have my own process I have to begin to reconcile, that of watching my past fossilize while I begin to build a separate and very different future. Arkansas will always be home, or at least one home. And I'll never, absolutely never, absolve myself from the life and the people I have there. I guess it's just that...shit changes. People change. Dogs die and so does the past when that which made up that past is gone in the present. Or -- foregoing again morbidity -- let's just say the past changes. And, frankly, I hate change.

RIP my sweet little Pepper. At least your back with your Jack.

Seth

"I took a bite...and then I saw God."

I'm ganking this from my Facebook because a) something as monumental as The KFC Double Down needs all the overkill documentation it can get and b) the captions are really funny. I mean, like, so funny. Go ahead -- read them. See all the funny.

On April 12th, 2010, KFC released upon the world that which it needed most: a sandwich made entirely of meat. Cheesy bacon between two fried pieces of chicken, or, as Nojan described it, "modern America in a sandwich." Behold what happened when five intrigued, ravenous, bewildered and ultimately kind of sad individuals tried this feat of human determination for the first time.






The tomb.



The shroud.




And, behold, The Messiah.


Let he without shame take the first bite.



...and immediately regret it (but not really).



Wonder Hairtwin powers: activate!



Form of...


Rachel Rosenblit!


Things may seem relatively calm here, but two seconds later Rachel ate the chicken straight out of his jugular.


Note the Guy Fieri Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives “hunch” in this photo. Well done, Julie!



Like any good abused lover, I always go back for more when I know I shouldn't.



One bite left. Who should be so lucky to receive it?



Johanna. Always Johanna.


Who wants lunch?!

Great Paragraphs

It's been a while since I've posted a great paragraph, but, man, this one got me good. Better than just a paragraph, though, it's actually a singular sentence. And you know what a sucker I am for a good sentence. From One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcìa Marquez.

Aureliano Segundo was not aware of the singsong until the following day after breakfast when he felt himself being bothered by a buzzing that was by then more fluid and louder than the sound of the rain, and it was Fernanda, who was walking throughout the house complaining that they had raised her to be a queen only to have her end up as a servant in a madhouse, with a lazy, idolatrous, libertine husband who lay on his back waiting for bread to rain down from heaven while she was straining her kidneys trying to keep afloat a home held together with pins where there was so much to do, so much to bear up under and repair from the time God gave his morning sunlight until it was time to go to bed that when she got there her eyes were full of ground glass, and yet no one ever said to her, “Good morning, Fernanda, did you sleep well?,” nor had they asked her, even out of courtesy, why she was so pale or why she awoke with purple rings under her eyes in spite of the fact that she expected it, of course, from a family that had always considered her a nuisance, an old rag, a booby painted on the wall, and who were always going around saying things against her behind her back, calling her churchmouse, calling her Pharisee, calling her crafty, and even Amaranta, may she rest in peace, had said aloud that she was one of those people who could not tell their rectums from their ashes, God have mercy, such words, and she had tolerated everything with resignation because of the Holy Father, but she had not been able to tolerate it any more when that evil José Arcadio Segundo said that the damnation of the family had come when it opened its doors to a stuck-up highlander, just imagine, a bossy highlander, Lord save us, a highland daughter of evil spit of the same stripe as the highlanders the government sent to kill workers, you tell me, and he was referring to no one but her, the godchild of the Duke of Alba, a lady of such lineage that she made the liver or presidents’ wives quiver, a noble dame of fine blood like her, who had the right to sign eleven peninsular names and who was the only mortal creature in that town full of bastards who did not feel all confused at the sight of sixteen pieces of silverware, so that her adulterous husband could die of laughter afterward and say that so many knives and forks and spoons were not meant for a human being but for a centipede, and the only one who could tell with her eyes closed when the white wine was served and on what side and in which glass and when the red wine and on what side and in which glass and not like that peasant of an Amaranta, may she rest in peace, who thought that white wine was served in the daytime and red wine at night, and the only one on the whole coast who could take pride in the fact that she took care of her bodily needs only in golden chamberpots, so that Colonel Aureliano Buendía, may he rest in peace, could have the effrontery to ask her with his Masonic ill humor where she had received that privilege and whether she did not shit shit but shat sweet basil, just imagine, with those very words, and so that Renata, her own daughter, who through an oversight had seen her stool in the bedroom, had answered that even if the pot was all gold and with a coat of arms, what was inside was pure shit, physical shit, and worse even than any other kind because it was stuck-up highland shit, just imagine, her own daughter, so that she never had any illusions about the rest of the family, but in any case she had the right to expect a little more consideration from her husband because, for better or for worse, he was her consecrated spouse, her helpmate, her legal despoiler, who took upon himself of his own free and sovereign will the grave responsibility of taking her away from her paternal home, where she never wanted for or suffered from anything, where she wove funeral wreaths as a pastime, since her godfather had sent a letter with his signature and the stamp of his ring on the sealing wax simply to say that the hands of his goddaughter were not meant for tasks of this world except to play the clavichord, and, nevertheless, her insane husband had taken her from her home with all manner of admonitions and warnings and had brought her to that frying pan of hell where a person could not breathe because of the heat, and before she had completed her Pentecostal fast he had gone off with his wandering trunks and his wastrel’s accordion to loaf in adultery with a wretch of whom it was only enough to see her behind, well, that’s been said, to see her wiggle her mare’s behind in order to guess that she was a, that she was a, just the opposite of her, who was a lady in a palace or a pigsty, at the table or in bed, a lady of breeding, God-fearing, obeying His laws and submissive to His wishes, and with whom he could not perform, naturally, the acrobatics and trampish antics that he did with the other one, who, of course, was ready for anything, like the French matrons, and even worse, if one considers well, because they at least had the honesty to put a red light at their door, swinishness like that, just imagine, and that was all that was needed by the only and beloved daughter of Doña Renata Argote and Don Fernando del Carpio, and especially the latter, an upright man, a fine Christian, a Knight of the Order of the Holy Sepulcher, those who receive direct from God the privilege of remaining intact in their graves with their skin smooth like the cheeks of a bride and their eyes alive and clear like emeralds.