How to Save the Polar Bears

By now most of you are probably aware that I am on a big "save the polar bears" kick. I've posted the heart wrenching video from Planet Earth in which a male polar bear swims 60 miles to find food, only to come upon a hoard of walruses that he cannot overtake for food. Beaten, gored and tired, the polar bear digs a shallow hole in the ground, lies down and dies. I've cried every time I've watched it, but I only have myself and my fellow humans to blame. Because of shrinking polar ice caps, food is isolated and spread out, making the fight for survival that much more difficult for a species that will likely be extinct in less than 50 years.

Need a reminder of the tragedy? Here ya go:



Now, what are we going to do about this? Through a number of discussions with fellow polar bear sympathizers, I have come up with two plans. OK, well two besides the obvious plan of just being more aware of what we do to our planet. Post-Al Gore, Leonardo DiCaprio and Captain Planet I don't need to sit here and tell you what we have to do to try and save the Earth and all the amazing things on it. But, if I can offer a couple of plausible, albeit "unconventional" alternatives, allow me to do so:

1. Monthly Food Rations for the Polar Bears

But where will such food come from you might ask? At the brilliant suggestion of a one Mr. Benjamin Pryor, it has been proposed that every month a boat is sailed to the poles loaded with murderers, rapists and pedophiles. Seedy politicians and Britney Spears are welcomed as well. Starting with the most severe of offenders, they will be given proper rations and supplies to survive for a number of days until they are eventually mauled and eaten by polar bears. They will of course be given no weapons or anything available to use as defense. Their clothing and supplies will be sprayed with some sort of odor, perhaps beef bullion or eau de seal to attract the bears. Considering the state of the polar bear food situation, it shouldn't take long for the bears to become adapted to the monthly delivery, ensuring that these criminals will be dispatched in a timely manner. Also, it was favorably suggested by Andrew Heim that the delinquents' hands be removed to not only safeguard baby polar bears from pointy fingers, but also keep potentially crafty individuals from gaining an advantage over the polar bears.

2. Walrus Handbags

Confused? Let me elaborate. And please forgo any barbaric allusions, as I am simply trying to save the goddamn polar bears. If you noticed in the video posted above, one of the toughest obstacles for the polar bear to overcome in his attempt to kill a male walrus was the walrus' extremely tough, impenetrable skin. Their epidermic state being as such, my collegue, Dontre Conerly, noted how fantastic their skin would be for handbags. "That shit would last forever!" he exclaimed. And he is right, it would last forever, and would also aid in the polar bear food crisis. Let's point out the obvious: there is no shortage of walruses in the world. That being the case, human intervention--with all our arbalestic ingenuity--could easily neutralize a walrus, take its hide, and leave a healthy meal for one or two polar bears. Now, I'm not talking about a mass poaching of the walrus; only enough to a) provide food for struggling polar bears and b) create a new fashion craze that would take the heat off of other valuable, but overused hides. By carefully rationing the amount of harvested walrus skin, it would ensure a degree of luxury to the subsequent bags, meaning they would be elusive and prices would be high. With a hefty price tag attached to the bag, it would translate into large profits from which portions could be donated to the save the polar bear cause. Basically the creation of the handbags would continue what nature started ages ago before the ice caps started melting. We have interfered with and disrupted the hunter-vs-prey process, therefore we have no choice but to become a part of the process to ensure a restored balance. Humans become the symbolic ice bridges that the polar bears use to get back to their food.


I think with careful planning and government support, either of these entirely tenable plans would work. Because polar bears need our help. And all it takes is a little sacrifice to make it happen. I mean, the polar bears are making sacrifices for us, right? It's only right that we do the same.


Seth