The Truth Stings

Anger, pain, frustration, depression, hope, reconciliation, reluctance, regret--all in one email. The truest I've ever been with someone else and myself. Because everyone needs painful reminders in their life.

So this is now my third and final attempt to send this email, as well as my final edit. I now have to add yet another introduction because things have obviously changed since the first time I wanted to send it and since the second time I wanted to send it. But, I'm going to leave it all as is because I think that it's important that all my emotions are laid on the table, otherwise they are going to continue to eat away at me. I was really hoping to tell you this, or at least give you this email in person so you could understand exactly how I feel and then we could talk about. And, yes, I do understand how early you work and I'm not holding a grudge against you or anything, but I couldn't let this wait until after Christmas because I needed to get it off my mind before I head home to try and enjoy myself with friends and family. In turn, I guess I should apologize to you for throwing all this at you before you do the same, because it's going to mean different things for each of us. But, nevertheless, I just had to do it. If we talk about this later, then we talk. If we don't, I understand. In time we hopefully will.





I know that now, a week later, this email may seem after the fact, but I certainly couldn't have predicted what was going to happen last Monday with --. In any case, I could have easily let this slide, and allowed things to subsequently take their course as they seem to be doing. But, as you know, I am never one to leave things unsaid. As such, I'm going to leave the email I wrote last Monday as is and let you try and read it as it should have been read after the weekend of -- birthday party. It may seem hard to understand what I'm saying retrospectively considering what's happened since then, but I need you to know that what happened with -- bears no effect on what I need to tell you. What happened with him was a crazy and surreal experience, but it is also just that, an experience, and I don't want what follows to seem cheap or contrived, because it is every bit as true and poignant as it was last Monday. So, in so many words....


Of course this email is once again going to start with me saying I don't know how to start a conversation like this. You are, undoubtedly, a little tired of this shit by now--me coming to you with these emails of outpourings of emotion and feelings, but this will be the last for a long, long time.

Though I feel like most of the time I'm pretty good at internalizing my anxiety, yesterday I think I was obviously wearing my emotions on my sleeve. If you didn't notice I'm surprised, but chances are you could tell that after you told me you were dating someone I became withdrawn and noticeably affected. I wish I could say that I didn't care, and that I was happy for you. I wish that I could talk to you about it as a friend. And I wish I could say that I'm over you--but I'm not. And, because I'm not, and because I have become very self-destructive in trying to deal with our relationship and how I feel about you I have to let you know that I can't see you anymore. You're probably thinking that I am being over-dramatic and emotionally hyperbolic, but I think this is the only way that I can attempt to salvage any sort of relationship we have or will have. I just can't watch you date someone else, not yet at least. Because it simply reminds me of something we never had but I so desperately wanted. And after you told me that he was upset you were with me I also realized that I'm not going to become that person in your or anyone else's life. It's just an equation I can't be a part of, knowing that every time we hang out there is someone else who is being made upset by it. And, if we remained "friends," that is a position I would always occupy in your life considering our history, no matter who it's with. I would always be a threat, a sort of temptation I guess, that could compromise both of our relationships because you would of course have the same role in my life. No matter who I'm with, being around you will always remind me of whatever it was that we had and that I still want. So, like I said, in order to overcome all of this I have to work to move you into a realm of friendship, and there is no way I can do that unless I have the adequate space and time to get over you.

If you feel like you've been blind-sided or cheated or mislead or whatever, I understand. But, --, after months of being wrought emotionally by this it is the only thing I can do to get over you. Me saying this probably even seems really contradictory considering I have met someone, but that is even more reason that I have to quit you, because if I don't I'm going to take -- for granted. He is an unbelievable person and I can't string him along while I am still so attached to you with the hopes that something could develop between us. That just makes him an innocent victim in this whole thing and I don't want to be responsible for hurting someone like that. And I need you to know that I didn't actively seek him out, but when that relationship just fell in my lap I had to explore it, because I couldn't wait on you forever. I was prepared to wait a long time, and I already have waited a long time, but it was becoming clear, and it has since become even clearer, that I was waiting for something that wasn't going to come. So I just threw myself into that relationship hoping that it would help me get over you, but, the fact of the matter is, I still think about you when I'm with him. And that is unfair to him and to you, because I won't use him as a rebound or just a distraction because he deserves more than that. Moreover, I can't continue to treat you the way that I have and I need to apologize to you for certain things that I have done or said. I was so embarrassed yesterday when you told me you were seeing someone just because of how I had obviously propositioned you to sleep in my bed with me with the hopes that something would happen. Despite --, I took command of that situation and made the decision to come on to you, and then you tell me you are seeing someone and I realized I had completely misjudged the situation and basically made a fool of myself. And then I just felt so stupid for what I've been doing and who I've become throughout all of this. My actions have become inexplicable, even to myself, and if there is anything I hate more it's not being in control, especially of my own body. I know you can't and really aren't supposed to control emotions, but they have become such a detrimental force in my life that I have no choice but to at least try and harness them so that they don't crumble everything around me.

I don't mean to come off as accusatory, because this is largely my issue. But I also don't think anyone is without fault. Considering this isn't the first time we have addressed our relationship, it might seem redundant to bring it up again--but even after I told you last time how much I liked you and you responded and told me how you felt, I still feel like it was unresolved. Especially because of the way we still carried on our relationship in a very similar manner as it was before, just without the sex. But you can't deny that there was a palpable sexual tension between us when we were together and though we had labeled ourselves as friends, it still felt like there was something more going on. But maybe that was just my wishful thinking, and if it was, it just proves that I obviously have some work to do. And if it wasn't, then it still stands that it's unhealthy for us to be around one another unless we are actually going to be together.

I don't know how you are reacting to this, but I don't want you to think I am being insincere or harsh, because this is truthfully the hardest thing I've ever had to do. As I sit here writing this my hands are shaking and I'm fending off tears because I never ever wanted to lose you. And I hope I don't. Though it's hard for me to even fathom what it would be like to not basically be in love with you, I pray that I can get to that point, because I'd hate to live the rest of my life without you in it. The way I see it, you and I are unequivocally bound to one another just because of what we went through together. You basically held my hand as I came out to the world and decided to be who I have to be in order to be happy, and I am forever indebted to you for that. I can't say if you feel the same because you are obviously on a different side, but, because of how you helped me, I know that I'll always have a place for you in my heart, and once someone gets in they stay forever.

All of that finally being said, I have to say goodbye to you for now. It kills me --, absolutely kills me to do it. You're always going to be the one that got away, and I honestly think we could have had something great. But, if it wasn't mean to be then what can you do but move on? Hopefully with enough time and enough healing I can have you back in my life in an appropriate way that is beneficial to both of us. I'm so sorry -- and I mean that with the utmost sincerity. I'm sorry for the past and I'm sorry for whatever political mess this will cause in the future. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize anyone else's relationship whether it's yours or mine or even -- and --. So where things go from here I can't really say...we just have to let time do its thing.

Please, please take care of yourself. If you begrudge me that is fine and entirely expected. Be angry and upset and critical or even apathetic--but just know I have to do this, --. If I want to survive I have to.

With deepest love,
Seth